When I was abroad and someone asked me where I was from, I would usually answer simply "Canada," and if pressed to elaborate I would say "Toronto?" always in the form of a question, as I was unsure if anyone outside Canada had ever heard of it. To my surprise, people usually had heard of it. The girls at the detention center knew it as "Where Drake's From," and only once did I ever hear the response "But you don't look Mexican."
Yet it is my secret shame that I am not a true Torontonian, but a suburbanite! (A Whitby-ite to be specific) I had visited the city often when I was growing up, but I hadn't been downtown in over a year. Toronto was the first city I grew up knowing, but in the interim I've been to London, Washington, Stockholm, Berlin, and of course, New York City. Toronto is frequently compared to New York City (by Torontonians) who claim it to be "New York but cleaner," or "New York run by the Swiss." I've been to New York, I've lived in New York, and Toronto is no New York. Still, my visit had me wondering, how does Toronto stack up to The Big Apple? In fact, Toronto is like a big potato, earthier and less glamorous than an apple, but just as starchy! (That's as far as that analogy can go.)
Transportation:
New York's mass transit is world renowned, with its subway moving millions of people each day and providing the world's largest habitrail environment for rats. Toronto also has a subway, with two or three lines,but unfortunately Toronto's subway does not appear to have any rodent wildlife. There are caribou, as one can see above, a subterranean art ode to Canada's Northern wildlife, but unlike Berlin, Toronto does not have actual caribou within city limits (let alone caribou on hallucinogenic mushrooms). I admit I was once afraid of New York's rats, until I began to view them as tiny little puppies. Once I imagined them as miniature dogs, I loved to watch them splash in puddles and frolic in junk food wrappers. I do not regret at all bringing one home on a leash and taking it for walks! (I miss you Misty, if you're reading this.)
Toronto does have the streetcar system though, which is like a less cool version of the San Francisco trolley. Still, it is unique and recognizably "Torontonian". Regardless of the "Red Rocket" as Toronto public transit is called, New York edges Toronto out in Transportation.
New York: 1 Toronto: 0
Tyrant Mayors:
Toronto recently elected the human embodiment of Porky Pig to the office of mayor. He's a rude, uncouth, pink-skinned, corpulent swine. Worst of all, he's not even a billionaire! Mayor Bloomberg has his own issues, but at least he was able to afford buying three straight elections. It's a blight on Toronto that we have a xenophobic, homophobic mayor; we have a reputation of liberalism and Ford betrays Toronto from being the socialist paradise it ought to be.
New York: 2 Toronto: 0
Freaky People:
Big cities are home to all sorts of freaks - hobos, street preachers, hookers, crazies, winos, Amish, etc. When I remember my time in New York, I cannot recall too many freaks. In fact, the homeless of New York were very friendly and ordinary folks (I shared my cheesecake with one once). New York, particularly the Lower East Side is supposed to be renowned for its freaks, the kind of people who end up in Lou Reed songs.
Toronto on the other hand is known as "Toronto the Good", and it is supposed to be a city of well-behaved people. Yet it was in Toronto that I saw the above freaky people, a band of Hare Krishnas! I was rather impressed to see them, a rather retro 1960s kind of touch. Winner: Toronto
New York: 2 Toronto: 1
Strip Clubs:
New York was once known for its center of sin and depravity, Times Square, a lurid and filthy stretch of strip clubs, porn theaters, and sex shops that was bought by Disney, and begrudgingly turned into an anti-septic playground for overweight Middle Americans once Disney realized tchotchkes, family eateries, and Broadway productions of "The Lion King" made more money than pimping streetwalkers for $5 handjobs. Surprisingly, the heart of downtown Toronto is still filled with strip clubs, sex shops, and head shops, like an Amsterdam without any history or charm. Above is Zanzibar, where the girls never stop!
Toronto strip joints are relatively high-brow however, the titty bar above features a verse of fine poetry.
And Toronto strip-joints have something for everyone. The above features "Men of Steel", which is either indicative of it being an establishment for gay men, or some kind of robot-themed joint with mechanical strippers. I'm not sure which. In this regard, Toronto outdoes New York.
New York: 2 Toronto: 2
Times Square:
Speaking of Times Square, Toronto made one of its own in order to deal with its crippling inferiority complex. It is called "Dundas Square", and they got the large advertisements and chain restaurant parts down-pat. The only thing is its rather small, a 1/6 scale model of the towering cavern of commerce that is Times Square. Times Square is so gaudy, bright, and terrible as to elevate itself into becoming a cathedral of commerce. Scaling that down simply results in an overgrown strip-mall. They did however have a moonbounce and a wedding covers band performing in Dundas Square, two things I never saw in Times Square.
New York: 3 Toronto: 2
The Gays:
New York is the cradle of the Gay Liberation movement, if not for the rebellion at the Stonewall Inn we wouldn't have had Will & Grace, or something like that. So New York should be the Sodom and San Francisco of the Eastern Seaboard. But, one must take into consideration that Canada is a radical homo-socialist commune, one which has had gay marriage years longer than New York, (In fact, the effort to forcibly gay marry all the school-children is going swimmingly. The livestock will be next.) In light of the fact that homosexuals have recently staged a bloody coup, conquering Canada and changing its flag as you can see above, I must say Toronto edges out NYC in this respect.
The Gays have also taken over the construction industry too, with sexy results:
New York City: 3 Toronto: 3
In the end, to my surprise neither city comes out on top. While I fully expected my hometown to appear like a dump next the Big Apple, upon further comparison it holds its ground. I guess Toronto's not so bad after all!
Oh wait, one more comparison, fashion:
Hold up, what's this? A fine evening-wear boutique called "Shkank"? Yes, please! Any city that is home to the preferred clothier of angels automatically wins. The elegant couture house "Shkank" purveys such glamorous garments as that black backless number in the center, which is perfect for showcasing one's rear cleavage. When an angel reaches heaven, they are outfitted by "Shkank", nothing less.
New York: 3 Toronto: inifiniti!
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