"Milwaukee Run By the Swiss", or a visit to The Big Potato!

 

When I was abroad and someone asked me where I was from, I would usually answer simply "Canada," and if pressed to elaborate I would say "Toronto?" always in the form of a question, as I was unsure if anyone outside Canada had ever heard of it. To my surprise, people usually had heard of it. The girls at the detention center knew it as "Where Drake's From," and only once did I ever hear the response "But you don't look Mexican." 

Yet it is my secret shame that I am not a true Torontonian, but a suburbanite! (A Whitby-ite to be specific) I had visited the city often when I was growing up, but I hadn't been downtown in over a year. Toronto was the first city I grew up knowing, but in the interim I've been to London, Washington, Stockholm, Berlin, and of course, New York City. Toronto is frequently compared to New York City (by Torontonians) who claim it to be "New York but cleaner," or "New York run by the Swiss." I've been to New York, I've lived in New York, and Toronto is no New York. Still, my visit had me wondering, how does Toronto stack up to The Big Apple? In fact, Toronto is like a big potato, earthier and less glamorous than an apple, but just as starchy! (That's as far as that analogy can go.) 

Transportation:

New York's mass transit is world renowned, with its subway moving millions of people each day and providing the world's largest habitrail environment for rats. Toronto also has a subway, with two or three lines,but unfortunately Toronto's subway does not appear to have any rodent wildlife. There are caribou, as one can see above, a subterranean art ode to Canada's Northern wildlife, but unlike Berlin, Toronto does not have actual caribou within city limits (let alone caribou on hallucinogenic mushrooms).  I admit I was once afraid of New York's rats, until I began to view them as tiny little puppies. Once I imagined them as miniature dogs, I loved to watch them splash in puddles and frolic in junk food wrappers. I do not regret at all bringing one home on a leash and  taking it for walks! (I miss you Misty, if you're reading this.)

Toronto does have the streetcar system though, which is like a less cool version of the San Francisco trolley. Still, it is unique and recognizably "Torontonian". Regardless of the "Red Rocket" as Toronto public transit is called, New York edges Toronto out in Transportation.

New York: 1 Toronto: 0

 

Tyrant Mayors:

Toronto recently elected the human embodiment of Porky Pig to the office of mayor. He's a rude, uncouth, pink-skinned, corpulent swine. Worst of all, he's not even a billionaire! Mayor Bloomberg has his own issues, but at least he was able to afford buying three straight elections. It's a blight on Toronto that we have a xenophobic, homophobic mayor; we have a reputation of liberalism and Ford betrays Toronto from being the socialist paradise it ought to be.

New York: 2  Toronto: 0

Freaky People:

Big cities are home to all sorts of freaks - hobos, street preachers, hookers, crazies, winos, Amish, etc. When I remember my time in New York, I cannot recall too many freaks. In fact, the homeless of New York were very friendly and ordinary folks (I shared my cheesecake with one once). New York, particularly the Lower East Side is supposed to be renowned for its freaks, the kind of people who end up in Lou Reed songs.

Toronto on the other hand is known as "Toronto the Good", and it is supposed to be a city of well-behaved people. Yet it was in Toronto that I saw the above freaky people, a band of Hare Krishnas! I was rather impressed to see them, a rather retro 1960s kind of touch. Winner: Toronto

New York: 2  Toronto: 1

 

Strip Clubs:

New York was once known for its center of sin and depravity, Times Square, a lurid and filthy stretch of strip clubs, porn theaters, and sex shops that was bought by Disney, and begrudgingly turned into an anti-septic playground for overweight Middle Americans once Disney realized tchotchkes, family eateries, and Broadway productions of "The Lion King" made more money than pimping streetwalkers for $5 handjobs. Surprisingly, the heart of downtown Toronto is still filled with strip clubs, sex shops, and head shops, like an Amsterdam without any history or charm. Above is Zanzibar, where the girls never stop! 

Toronto strip joints are relatively high-brow however, the titty bar above features a verse of fine poetry. 

And Toronto strip-joints have something for everyone. The above features "Men of Steel", which is either indicative of it being an establishment for gay men, or some kind of robot-themed joint with mechanical strippers. I'm not sure which. In this regard, Toronto outdoes New York. 

New York: 2  Toronto: 2

Times Square:

Speaking of Times Square, Toronto made one of its own in order to deal with its crippling inferiority complex. It is called "Dundas Square", and they got the large advertisements and chain restaurant parts down-pat. The only thing is its rather small, a 1/6 scale model of the towering cavern of commerce that is Times Square. Times Square is so gaudy, bright, and terrible as to elevate itself into becoming a cathedral of commerce. Scaling that down simply results in an overgrown strip-mall. They did however have a moonbounce and a wedding covers band performing in Dundas Square, two things I never saw in Times Square. 

New York: 3  Toronto: 2

The Gays: 

New York is the cradle of the Gay Liberation movement, if not for the rebellion at the Stonewall Inn we wouldn't have had Will & Grace, or something like that. So New York should be the Sodom and San Francisco of the Eastern Seaboard. But, one must take into consideration that Canada is a radical homo-socialist commune, one which has had gay marriage years longer than New York, (In fact, the effort to forcibly gay marry all the school-children is going swimmingly. The livestock will be next.) In light of the fact that homosexuals have recently staged a bloody coup, conquering Canada and changing its flag as you can see above, I must say Toronto edges out NYC in this respect. 

The Gays have also taken over the construction industry too, with sexy results:

New York City: 3  Toronto: 3

In the end, to my surprise neither city comes out on top. While I fully expected my hometown to appear like a dump next the Big Apple, upon further comparison it holds its ground. I guess Toronto's not so bad after all!

Oh wait, one more comparison, fashion: 

Hold up, what's this? A fine evening-wear boutique called "Shkank"? Yes, please! Any city that is home to the preferred clothier of angels automatically wins. The elegant couture house "Shkank" purveys such glamorous garments as that black backless number in the center, which is perfect for showcasing one's rear cleavage. When an angel reaches heaven, they are outfitted by "Shkank", nothing less. 

New York: 3  Toronto: inifiniti!

Leaving America, or How I Failed at Being an Illegal Immigrant and Returned to My Northern Homeland

My last image of America is this, the flags of the State of New York, Canada, and the United States flying together outside a truck stop restroom. After four years of suckling at the teat of American freedom (Not being able to drink until the age of 21, the lack of free healthcare, etc.) I was heading home to a place that does not feel so much like home. I am hyper-aware of American dysfunction, reading the newspaper any day alerted me to new crises like the impending collapse of the debt ceiling or the increasingly strict immigration laws passed in Arizona, but despite my moral objection to the American political climate, I genuinely liked the US. It's where I went to school and worked for the past four years, and where all my friends live. It's where New York City is! During my stay in the US I had the opportunity to live in the economic and political capitals of the American Empire, (New York City and Washington DC respectively) and now I'm exiled to its cleaner, blander Northern franchise.

Despite mortgaging out my future and ensuring I'll spend the next decade in debt, I'm glad I came to Cornell. It was a launching pad to some great experiences, but the best thing that resulted from me being at Cornell was being constantly out of my comfort zone. When I first went away to school I didn't know anyone in the entire country, let alone at the school, a situation I wouldn't have been in had I stayed in Canada. And whether going to frat parties with free beer and dogs, or going to classes where I felt intellectually inadequate, I was out of my element frequently at Cornell, and that was a good thing. I felt uncomfortable and insecure at Upper East Side penthouse dinner parties, at boozy football tailgates, and strangers' house parties in Collegetown, all because of Cornell. Being uncomfortable all those times was useful, and now I relish embarrassment and making a fool of myself, or I don't feel so bad about it.

My last meal in America was at that great culinary institution, the Cracker Barrel! It is the essence of American Exceptionalism distilled into a roadside eatery. When one enters, they are sequestered in a gift shop, modeled upon a old-time General Store, where one can purchase penny candy, moon pies, and Dolly Parton CDs. Of course, it is the food that attracts the customers, and the Cracker Barrel serves American delicacies like fried chicken, sweet tea, and biscuits. I ordered the Chicken 'n' Dumplings, a white on white on white creation that tastes better than it looks. One of the things I will miss most about the USA (other than freedom) is sweet tea! American sweet tea is real brewed tea, an elixir that surely Jesus Christ himself would drink if he could. Yet in Canada, ordering "Iced Tea" in a restaurant will cause the waiter to serve you a sweet brown sugar water that has as much to do with tea as MTV's "Teen Mom" has to do with maternal love and common-sense. The Cracker Barrel is concentrated Americana, it is what Sarah Palin is talking about when she espouses the "Real America", it's a commercialized nostalgia for a particular time and geographic location that never existed. Regardless of that, if one is looking for America, look no further than the interstate Cracker Barrel.

I'll miss the US and its plethora of fast-food chains, but I look forward to getting to know Toronto again. I moved away when I was 17, so I've never seen Toronto as an adult. I'll give it a try, and while I doubt it's "New York run by the Swiss" or the "New York of the North" as some cliches say, it is perhaps at least "Milwaukee run by the Swiss", or maybe the "Philadelphia of the North". We'll see!